The first time I heard about Infant Potty Training, Amanda & I were at a friends house. Her artsy sister was there, sitting in front of a big window. Sunlight was shining on her beautiful nutmeg corkscrew curls, and glinting off her cute as a button nose ring.
"Have you guys heard of infant potty training?" She said?
"Whaaaa? NO!" We said. But I wanted to know more. Because this girl was the type of girl I could see myself riding off into the friendship sunset with, but also, because Infant Potty Training is fucking weird.
So she told us what little she knew.
Then I became pregnant, had a baby, and life moved on. I forgot about this Frankenstein idea of Infant Potty Training until I was doing one of my last blogs on eating placenta.
I came across a picture of Infant Potty Training. This one.
Seems totally normal, right? The baby can't hold it's only wobbly drunk head up, but it should totally hang out nekkid on the potty.
Wulllll. Anyway....So I researched the hell outta this Infant Potty Training bit. I wanna tell you about it, in case you wanna do it. Or judge it. Like I am.
This is the skinny....Start ASAP
Wanna potty train your infant? Start at around six weeks of age. Yes, that is when your baby does nothing but sleep, eat, poop and sleep some more. But something tells Infant Potty Training enthusiasts that all a six week old infant wants to do is hang out on the potty. In case you have forgotten. This is what a six week old acts like...
Notice a Rhythm
Also at around six to twelve weeks of age, you are supposed to turn into a fucking magical wizard and be able to sense when a baby of such a young age is going to poop or pee. That means you'll need to pull yourself out of your selfish, hormoney post-birth bleeding and pain, and focus on when your baby is going to soil it's diaper. I don't know about you, but Jace was super sneaky about when he was going to shit. And until he was about 4 1/2 months, he didn't start making that grunty noise that all moms and dads love to make fun of. But you'll work it out. I don't know when you'll have time to eat, sleep, or think, because you will be focused on finding out your newborns poo habits.
Hold Baby Over Potty
Now here's a doozy. Once you have a super small baby, and you can predict its potty habits, now it's time to do nothing else, and I mean nothing, because you will have to be close to your potty all day. If it seems to you that baby is ready to make, then dash like hell to the bathroom, de-clothe your little one and float or hover him/her over the toilet. This could take seconds, or hours as far as I can see, because you cannot be right all the time. You thought baby was shitting? nope. Just gas.
Keep Consistent
Simply follow the steps above and keep with it. Eventually baby will start to go potty over the adult toilet. Prolly because it's a giant hole, and you're scaring baby shitless. hahaha..ahem....
Praise Your Infant
The key to Infant Potty Training is praise. Even if after 16 hours of holding baby over the toilet, if she finally goes, you go apeshit happy, because that's what will make a six week old want to repeat going on potty.
Infant Potty Training boasts having your little one potty trained by a year to eighteen months.
I think it is ridic. I also think, EVEN as a stay at home mother, no one has time for that unless you are super wealthy, insane or have a nanny to do your dirty work....
Infant Potty Training. I effing love you for making me laugh. This week, my mom hat is off to you....
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