Recently in the news, Candace Cameron Bure (you all remember her as D.J. from Full House) got into some hot water for saying "I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work,"
Well. When people read that, they went apeshit crazy. Omigod. A woman who chooses to play a womanly and submissive role! She should be shot!
Well, here's the thing ladies. I totally agree with her. And this is why.
In every situation in life, at least in natural life, there has to be a balance of things. If you own a dog, you have to lead it, be it's master. If you have a child, you have to be the disciplinarian. If you have a garden, you have to weed it, and decide where the plants will grow. See what I'm sayin? You can't have two chiefs, or two indians. If you do, shit just doesn't get done. Yin and frickin Yang homey.
I know in todays society, women are aghast at taking second place to their husbands. Women have worked so hard to become equal. And that's fine. But even in that situation, one of the pair has to take the drivers seat. Which reminds me. There are not two drivers seats in a car....
Anyway. I'm not saying it always has to be the woman. If you decide to be the breadwinner, and your husband decides to stay home and raise kids and clean house, then I guess you're the boss.
I'm not saying you have to be all "Yess Massa" to your husbands. You still will have a voice.
BUT SOMEONE HAS TO LEAD!
And this is why I think marriages have little to no success rate these days. There are no checks and balances. There is no accountability. There are just two people saying "I thought that was your job" and gluing their faces to their smartphones.
I like to think of myself as the assistant to Amanda. I try to think of what she needs before she needs it. I do my job to the best of my ability. I put 110% effort into our romantic relationship. I never say no to sex.
And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Because I know I'm not. I know this is what it takes to make a longstanding relationship work. You can't just glide through, and hope to come out on the other end together. I've tried that before. It might get you six years. Might.
So the rest of you can be just fine on your side with your "we're equal" bullshit. You can go through sixty seven relationships pondering, why the hell didn't that work?
I will stay on my side, with my choices and beliefs about being a good wife. Because after all, that is the most single important part of life. Family.
I can tell you are still irritated, still don't agree. But tell me this ladies; If women don't long for real men, the way they used to be, all assertive, and ungroomed and gruff, then why did "50 Shades of Grey" Sell 70 fucking MILLION copies?
Just think on it.
I really respect you Katie, so I hope this doesn't appear hyper-critical because that is not my intention. But, I do feel like there a few problematic statements in your post that might be the reasons you're ruffling some feathers:
ReplyDelete1. "But even in that situation, one of the pair has to take the drivers seat. Which reminds me. There are not two drivers seats in a car"
Of course this is true, SOMEONE has to drive or we'd never get anywhere, right? Like, drive the car from here to there, THIS time. However, imo, what isn't true is the assumption that it is always the same person to drive. Basically, you're highlighting the difference between a monarchy and democracy. If everyone agreed with you, we might still be British and singing God Save the Queen.
2. "And this is why I think marriages have little to no success rate these days. There are no checks and balances. There is no accountability. There are just two people saying "I thought that was your job" and gluing their faces to their smartphones."
This might be a little too combative. You ask for acceptance and understanding of your own relationship dynamics, but attack others with a generalization that is far too simple. When I was in high school, my history teacher once caused an upset by saying that the reason that the divorce rate is so high is because of feminism. But the thing about that statement is, despite being kind of inflammatory, he's mostly right. Because women now have more rights and options in the work force, they are no longer forced to be dependent on their husbands to survive, and therefore, no longer forced to be all "Yess Massa," like you said. The key word here is "forced." Which brings me back to my teacher's statement and makes me ask: Why are we even concerned about the rise of divorce rates? If the biggest contributing factor is women having options to not live a subservient life if they don't desire to, isn't this a good thing? I could give two shits about the divorce rate rising if it means that equality is likewise, on the rise.
So, here's my little unsolicited two cents: as long as your relationship is still loving and healthy, it's nobody's business how you reach decisions or like your power dynamics. But I also sort of suspect that Amanda is a kind, non-abusive partner that takes your opinions into consideration naturally. (As a good dom, should.) This isn't true for everyone and thus, preaching the total submissive package is probably striking other people differently than it strikes you.
I also want to comment on the "50 Shades of Grey" topic. Those books have been decried for abusive tendencies by those actually into BDSM from all over, but at the heart of the debate is the difference between "fantasy" and "reality." As you know, I write erotica and although I don't personally cross over into dubcon (dubious consent), just like 50 Shades' issues, it's a sensitive genre that has a surprisingly high female following. But when I've seen explanations by fans and proponents regarding their interest in borderline rape scenarios (or even full on rape scenarios), they usually say that, just like most people, they don't desire rape in real life, but erotica provides them with a safe avenue to explore their fantasy. What you find hot in print is not always translatable into real life and even in the BDSM community, you will definitely see a difference between those living this full-time and those only partaking part-time. Nothing is right or wrong, so long as it's consensual.
I think you would have gotten less flak if you had just stated more clearly that you actually enjoy your submissive position, which I suspect you do, instead of using supporting points that make it sound like you just fell into this position or even worse, were forced. I don't think everyone completely understands the intricacies of a sub/dom relationship and the mutual benefit for both parties.