Last weeks blog has left me feeling so.....exhausted. I was surprised at the mob mentality of women. Why, when something works so positively for one woman, would you slam it, and try to tell that woman why she is wrong? It reminds me why I mostly keep to myself. There's never a shortage of people who want to tear you apart because you're different.
I wanted to write something positive this week. So I wrote a letter to my boy. This is what it says.
Dear Son,
When I was pregnant with you, I would dream of you in the night. I imagined your dark hair, against your pale skin, and your little dark eyes.
During the day I would feel you move against my belly. I would swish-sway you to sleep on summertime walks.
Being pregnant with you made me crave white vinegar. The smell would make my mouth water, and when Amanda's head was turned, I would sip it right out of the bottle. It would take my breath away.
I knew before you came, I would never hurt you. I would never let any harm come to you. I found a ferociousness in the center of my being, which pulsed with a heartbeat saying "Take care of your boy, take care of your boy".
I became a lioness.
Then you came to me. Day turned to night and back again. You and your dubby slept beside my bed. I sighed with a contentedness now that you were here.
For the first time since I lost my own mother, I felt the feeling again of being connected to someone, without words, without a look, simply by breathing in each other's air, by feeling each other's skin.
I understood the things you needed, sometimes before you needed them. I knew the answer to questions you had, by being one in the long line of many mothers for thousands of years. Without knowing it, you healed some wounds I have had for my entire life.
When you fall asleep at night, against my side, I watch your face soften and relax. I kiss your lips, the lips I made, and watch you. I fall asleep beside you, and your dubby. Words escape me at your perfectness.
I no longer dream of you, because you changed from those dreams, and now you are here with me.
This is the first letter of many,
All of my love to you, my first child
Your mama
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