Sweet Dreams Little One

Today I am 35 weeks along. I am not sleeping, eating too much, and feeling every pound I've packed on-every emotion which courses through me. 
Today I have learned the lesson of balance, and of the due process of things.
Today, as I wait for our little boy to come, my cousin and his wife welcome their baby boy into the world. 
She keeps me posted from Seattle, advising me on what to expect when my water finally breaks, how contractions really feel, what the dreaded Pitocin is like. I am so excited for her. Despite our 3,000 mile distance, we have gone our pregnancies together, and when I think of it like that, time has flown. We have shared everthing. Right down to brownies that turned out like cakes and gravy, gravy on everything. My heart is with them as she goes the last chapter in this particular story.

Today, as I wait for our little boy to come, my friend, who was 9 weeks, has lost her baby. She went to the Dr today to help her miscarriage along and now waits alone at home, for the bleeding to start, the changes to begin. 
My heart is with them as she goes this journey. I put myself in her shoes as a friend, being pregnant, and as a woman who thought she would lose her baby only 29 weeks ago. 
I remember laying in bed, watching tv with Amanda and feeling a gush against the sheets. I remember knowing it was blood before I even looked, and feeling the world slip out from beneath me. I recall all of the ultrasounds and bloodwork to make sure my "fetus was viable". I will never forget the feelings being faced with a miscarriage brought. 
Having such a rough start, this entire pregnancy has left Amanda and I holding our breath. With every week that passed, we celebrated privately. She bought me little gifts at our milestones. Still, we held our breath and hunkered down, expressing only to each other our fear of losing the baby. Even now, so close to having him here with us, there are nights I don't sleep, worried he is not moving enough, or I've done something wrong. That he wont make it home. I can't explain how much love you can have for someone you've never met unless you've been pregnant, or your partner has. No description would be accurate. 

This entry is not about me though, not about my friend who lost her baby, but the baby that was lost. 
That I want him or her to know we all loved you from the start, even for however briefly, you were here. I can't imagine our lives without you, but I know you stepped aside for a good reason, and coupled with all of the other babies in our lives that were lost, we will not forget the great attempt you made at life. 

One life begins, one life passes. One life waits to start. 
I am so grateful to be part of all of these things, and in each case, will still be here, loving you little one, on the other side. 
Today I take the day to think of you, little one, and hope you have sweet dreams.