The Last Thing you will Read

Did I ever tell you how much I love my blog? I am constantly thinking about things to write, much like I have been doing my whole life.
I am always thinking on what my readers might like to hear, or debate on. I am usually putting energy into what I would like to say.

I had the best of intentions when starting my blog. But I noticed something odd. It started generating a lot of negativity. Because people were challenged or provoked by my words, they said hurtful, angry or mean things back.
It's unfortunate that because I have differences, or am so different than others, they turn into a lynch mob of sorts over words.
It wasn't just one person. It was a ton of people. Family members even. People who took my words out of context, or used them to hurt others to their advantage.
Believe it or not, my blog cost my family a lot of things. It even took food out of my child's mouth.

All of my supporters and true friends told me to keep writing it. To not let anyone phase me or get me down.
For a while  I agreed with them, but then noticed every time something negative was written or said, It would take me longer to write another blog. It started to become sad, and bring me down. It became a small round jewel in my heart, blue and smooth, and ice cold.

So, my darling reader, it's time for me to say goodbye.
When the negativity reaches caustic levels, I have to do what's best for me and for the love of writing and that is to shut this door, so that I can kick through a window somewhere else.
Maybe you'll find me someday, writing another blog. And if you do, I hope you will read it with the same vigor as you did before.

I will look fondly back on this blog with a little bit of heart ache and regret. I also hope that one day, my son finds it and gets a small peek into what my life was like as a new mother, and how much I love him and our time together.

Thank you girls, and maybe a sprinkling of men. John. Chris. You know who you are. Thank you for reading my blog, and sharing it and for making me feel super special with all of your kind words.
After I heal from the hardship of this one, maybe we will meet again.

All my love to you. Thank you, again and again.


This is, for the last time, Three Pairs of Shoes saying Goodbye.

A Letter to Michigan Protesters

I originally wrote a blog about Pre-mastication. It's pretty gross, and I totally wanted to publish it, but Amanda said she can't even think about it without gagging. So for now I will hold it under my belt.

Instead I am going to write about my feelings on all of the gay hating that is going on in Michigan lately.

Lauren, this blog is for you...

Protesters & Queer haters alike,

Stop hating us. It doesn't feel good to turn on the tv, and constantly hear how our people are immoral, wrong or un-godly. When you feel negative toward us, we feel negative back toward you, and it just keeps repeating this horrible, ugly cycle of hate.

Have you ever asked yourselves why you really care about our private lives? Whether we can marry or get a tax break? I dont' think it's really about God, especially because from what I understand he doesn't judge, and ran with derelicts and prostiutes. So why are you judging? It doesn't seem very godly to me. Are you secretly dreaming about penises at night? or tapping your foot under the stalls of public restrooms? Typically when someone is so interested in something, it's usually because they are hiding behind fear. It's ok if you're a closet gay, we won't judge you...
All of this hating is just not nice. So stop it. Stop all of it. Focus your energy where it matters. Pedophiles, rapists, abusers, animal cruelty. Not two people who love each other, or two people who want to raise a baby together.
Do you know what we do behind closed doors? We do laundry, dishes, read books. We shop online, we try new recipes. There's nothing special or weird going on. And even if there were, hey, that's our business.
Just because you don't like us, doesn't mean we are going to go away. We're still going to raise children, we are still going to get married in the states we're allowed to. The only thing marriage would do is protect us with laws. Why do you feel like that is a privilege only straight people can have? especially when over 50% of you get divorced?
We deserve a chance, because in almost all situations we make things better. Lawns, houses, outfits, straight girls with no boyfriends.
The thing is, we will do this in the long run. Eventually all of the states will come around and this will be a horrible shameful memory, like the time millions of Jews were murdered, or the time black people were treated as second class citizens.

I would never interfere in your business. Gay people don't care about your private lives. Stop being so obsessed with ours.

Just think of how it would feel if you could not adopt your own child. Think of how it would feel to know your spouse could leave, and you would have no legal right to ask for child support. We have to take such risks in our lives. Risks where you could never imagine the pain or fear involved.
Gay couples waiting to wed, or who have children live with anxiety, because in 2014, because we still don't have rights.
Yet you ask for our money by way of taxes. Funny how we're good enough to give but not receive.
I'm so tired of your constant badgering. I'm tired of the state of Michigan pretending there is separation of church and state and then telling us we cannot get married or adopt our children. What is it going to take? A riot in the streets? Because we can give you that.

Even though I wan't to claw, kick and spit, I have to be patient now, eventually our time will come. And eventually you will find another group to hate. I guess now it's just our time to be persecuted. We will deal with it, and we will do it fabulously.
I hope things work in our favor. And soon.
I wonder if our son will look back on this and shake his head, at the way the world has changed.

Signed
A Wife, A Mother & A Supporter of all LGBT folks.

Infant Potty Training

Infant Potty Training. I am speechless.

The first time I heard about Infant Potty Training, Amanda & I were at a friends house. Her artsy sister was there, sitting in front of a big window. Sunlight was shining on her beautiful nutmeg corkscrew curls, and glinting off her cute as a button nose ring.
"Have you guys heard of infant potty training?" She said?
"Whaaaa? NO!" We said. But I wanted to know more. Because this girl was the type of girl I could see myself riding off into the friendship sunset with, but also, because Infant Potty Training is fucking weird.
So she told us what little she knew.
Then I became pregnant, had a baby, and life moved on. I forgot about this Frankenstein idea of Infant Potty Training until I was doing one of my last blogs on eating placenta.
I came across a picture of Infant Potty Training. This one.

Seems totally normal, right? The baby can't hold it's only wobbly drunk head up, but it should totally hang out nekkid on the potty.

Wulllll. Anyway....So I researched the hell outta this Infant Potty Training bit. I wanna tell you about it, in case you wanna do it. Or judge it. Like I am. 

This is the skinny....

Start ASAP
Wanna potty train your infant? Start at around six weeks of age. Yes, that is when your baby does nothing but sleep, eat, poop and sleep some more. But something tells Infant Potty Training enthusiasts that all a six week old infant wants to do is hang out on the potty. In case you have forgotten. This is what a six week old acts like...

Notice a Rhythm 
Also at around six to twelve weeks of age, you are supposed to turn into a fucking magical wizard and be able to sense when a baby of such a young age is going to poop or pee. That means you'll need to pull yourself out of your selfish, hormoney post-birth bleeding and pain, and focus on when your baby is going to soil it's diaper. I don't know about you, but Jace was super sneaky about when he was going to shit. And until he was about 4 1/2 months, he didn't start making that grunty noise that all moms and dads love to make fun of. But you'll work it out. I don't know when you'll have time to eat, sleep, or think, because you will be focused on finding out your newborns poo habits.

Hold Baby Over Potty
Now here's a doozy. Once you have a super small baby, and you can predict its potty habits, now it's time to do nothing else, and I mean nothing, because you will have to be close to your potty all day. If it seems to you that baby is ready to make, then dash like hell to the bathroom, de-clothe your little one and float or hover him/her over the toilet. This could take seconds, or hours as far as I can see, because you cannot be right all the time. You thought baby was shitting? nope. Just gas.

Keep Consistent
Simply follow the steps above and keep with it. Eventually baby will start to go potty over the adult toilet. Prolly because it's a giant hole, and you're scaring baby shitless. hahaha..ahem....

Praise Your Infant
The key to Infant Potty Training is praise. Even if after 16 hours of holding baby over the toilet, if she finally goes, you go apeshit happy, because that's what will make a six week old want to repeat going on potty.

Infant Potty Training boasts having your little one potty trained by a year to eighteen months.
I think it is ridic. I also think, EVEN as a stay at home mother, no one has time for that unless you are super wealthy, insane or have a nanny to do your dirty work....

Infant Potty Training. I effing love you for making me laugh. This week, my mom hat is off to you....

Bad Chinese

I just got the baby down, and I'm fighting a wicked case of diarrhea, which if you're a mother of a baby, you know how hard it is to run to the bathroom with a screaming child. I was pretty sure I was going to have to hold him while on the toilet. Thank GOD he went to sleep before THAT had to happen.

                                                          (WTF IS THIS PIC EVEN?)

Being the product of a welfare kid, I have this weird thing where I don't like to waste. So this morning was round three of Mui's Sweet and Sour Chicken, only this time, it's been mostly sour.
I've been working a lot of fiber into my diet by way of shredded wheat. I saw somewhere it makes for a flatter tummy, and I'd take out a bitches eye for one of those.
Last night Amanda and I went shopping. I am no longer comfortable in that two piece I SO took for granted, because of my lower tummy stretch marks (thanks Jace). I hate one pieces, because they are pretty frumpy, so I tried on a cut out one piece, ya know, with the hips showing. I could barely get that thing over my fat ass, and when I got it over my stomach, it literally looked like someone had rubber banded a pug.
Legit.

It was nast.

So, i went home with a three pack of thongs (prolly shouldn't be wearing those anymore either) and a shirt suitable for nursing.

Anyway, as much as I love rambling in my posts, that's not really what this blog is about.
What it is about is this...

Ever since I've had Jace, I've been ready to have another baby. For most women, once you start having children, the urge to have more is infinitely stronger. If we could afford it, I'd want a Duggar style family, cause you know those kids take care of each other, like a self cleaning oven.

But we can really only afford two, until I push Amanda to get a corporate job (just kidding, dear)

All of our friends are pregnant. One of my friends is even pregnant with freaking TWINS. Lucky bitch. She gets to sneak an extra baby in there, and her husband can't tell her no.

I'm so ready. But also. I'm insanely scared.
These are the things I'm most afraid of.

1. Jace is not an easy baby. He demands so much attention, I'm pretty sure even Amanda feels left out.
2. How will I have the time for more than one? There's no daycare in our family. This shit is gonna be all me, all the time.
3. How will I love another baby as much as I love Jace? I don't even know if that's possible. I love everything he does all the time, and if I get mad at him, it is never for more than three seconds.
4. If Jace has taken this much time out of my sex life, what is baby number 2 going to do to it?
5. Jace was an adjustment on our marriage. Will baby number 2 be an even bigger adjustment?
6. What if it's not a girl?
7. What if it is a girl?
8. What if I miscarry?
9. How will I be able to spend an equal amount of time with new baby and with Jace? The last thing I want is for him to feel left out.
10. How will I nurse and chase at the same time? I'm not a big fan of screaming at my kids, so I'm not sure how running after them, and doing the eye to eye thing (whilst threatening in a scary whisper tone, and clutching an arm with a death grip) AND balancing a nursing baby will be possible.

Also, since I've had Jace I look like a million years older. Is my body going to get worse? Will I look like Abe Lincoln after baby two?

I don't know. I'm so ready for this next baby, but I'm so scared. Why are the best things in life the biggest gamble? ughhhh. I wish pregnancy was like ripping off a bandaid. I wish I could just hurry up and do it, and get the damn thing over with, before I have time to think.

Placenta Pills

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!!

I am out of breath (I'm out of shape, and I have high blood pressure) because I had to run down the stairs in the middle of the night, half nekkid, past open curtains, to retrieve the laptop, in the dark because even at 30, I'm super afraid of it.

Wanna know the fuck why???????? YES YOU DO!!!

Because I just read an article about women putting their placenta's into little gelatin capsules and EATING THEM! E.A.T.I.N.G. THOSE BITCHES.

Are you as startled as I am about this???
No?

Lemme show you a little picture.

Why does dried up placenta look like weed nuggets? 

Ok...so apparently this is not a new thing. Apparently it happens all over the U.S, and I'm certain other places. I just didn't know about it until now.

So, when I first read the article. I pretty much threw up in my own mouth. Then, the more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became. Until ladies started talking about just putting it into smoothies. I totally draw the line there. I guess if I couldn't taste the placenta, I might - might be able to swallow some pills, but putting placenta powder in a twice daily smoothie? HAIIIILLLLL no. 

Because this is just totally a completely bonkers idea, not necessarily bad, just bonkers, I wanted to include a short little FAQ about placenta pills. I want every mother intending to have more children to be fully educated on this, so they can have the choice to totally eat a piece of themselves. ughhh.

                                                          FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 

                                                       ABOUT EATING ONES OWN PLACENTA

What is the appropriate term for eating one's own placenta in pill form?

People who are serious about this whacky shit call it Placenta Encapsulation. Use those two terms when googling.

How many pills can I get from my placenta?

Depending on the size of your placenta (which can differ from pregnancy to pregnancy) you can get anywhere from approximately 70-200 pills

What exactly is a placenta pill made of?

You can either opt for dehydrated placenta capsules or TCM capsules (Traditional Chinese Medicine). The dehydrated capsules are litereally just your placenta freeze dried or dehydrated for the amount of time it take you to work one full work day. Pretty much 8-10 hours. Dehydrated. Makes you wonder if you could do that yourself at home. Like just ask for it at the hospital, and the take it home, chunk it up, and just slap it in your own dehydrator. Leave that shit on, go to work and voila. Pinterest THAT.

The Traditional Chinese Medicine capsules have lemon, ginger and green chili. 

Soooo....you know...you can pick flavored or unflavored, essentially.

What are the benefits of eating your placenta?

Supposedly you bleed less after baby.

Allegedly it supports milk supply, whatever that means. 

It also is supposed to help replenish your hormones postpartum.

It can reduce stress.

It prevents Post Partum Depression.

Can Make a new mama more calm.

Can give lots of energy.

Are there any side effects from eating your own placenta?

Headache

PMS like symptoms

Cramping

The Shits

Rash

A dip in milk supply.

hmmmmm....

And now...A few quick quotes from women who have eaten their own placentas....

(This one is my FAV)

1. Andrea Frazer says:

   December 6, 2007 at 2:26 pm

   "I’d consider it for our family meal if it were wheat or gluten free only"
1. Kirsten says:

   March 24, 2010 at 5:26 pm

   "I ate my placenta, well drank it actually. My brother made it into a smoothie drink for me right after my daughter was born, and maybe there isn’t any proven scientific studies on it yet, but it helped me tremendously. I stopped bleeding days after birth (it took 8 weeks after my son’s birth), I had no depression (vs baby blues with my son), I had tons more energy, my milk came in strong, and overall I thought it worked wonders for me. I understand the yuck-factor, but I got over it. It was more important to me to try to ward off depression (which runs strong through my family) than anything else. Oh and my mom who suffers from severe and constant depression decided to sample (without my approval) my smoothie, and she said her depression lessened for nearly a year afterwards. So much so that she’s very much hoping I’ll encapsulate my placenta with my pregnancy this time and share with her. I think that’s a bit much, but I also hate to see my mom suicidal and down in deep depressive states.
   Anyway, this has gotten long, but I do want to say that it can have huge benefits, and I would highly recommend encapsulation for those who are too queasy about ingesting it in another form. And I guess for me, I’d much rather a natural/free remedy than prescription drugs."
2. "I ate my placenta after my second child was born. It helped my energy levels enormously, and made me feel great. A placenta contains lots of hormones that can come in handy in the post-partum period. It can also stop a hemorrhage. Frankly, the thought of eating my placenta grossed me out, especially as I am a vegetarian. But I am very pleased I did it, and I’d definitely do it again after a future baby." Olivia

 Sooooo...I'm still completely undecided about whether I would eat my own placenta, They whisked mine away after Jace was born for research, because of my high blood pressure. But the thing is, I don't remember giving them permission to do that. I mighta wanted to take it home, to feast on later. 

It's killing me. I wish I could decide if I have the cahones to do this. Would you? Do you? Man oh Man.

You Suck As a Parent

Have you ever just had one of those days, where you feel like you do everything wrong as a parent? Today I feel like a total failure.  Despite every effort to make him happy, Jace has cried most of the day, looking at me like I am just not understanding what he needs. I had him in his sling, and he bumped his head because I wasn't paying attention. And also, I have a migraine. And a toothache.  I have been in another world all day, my head in the clouds. I have zoned out at every opportunity, just needing a mental break. I mean I just wanna work on my new found knitting hobby, without interruption. How hard is that?

In short, I have not really been the best parent I can be today. And I feel super guilty for that.

But doesn't every parent have a day like that? Where everything seems to go wrong, where you just don't have 110 % to give? I'm sure at one point we all feel like that. Except for Amanda, because I asked her if she ever feels that way, and she said no. She did, afterall score "Effortlessly Cool" on the "What Kind of Parent Are You" Quiz.

But for the rest of us....There are those days.

On top of everything else, I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I can feel my stomach starting to jiggle, like a bowl of lumpy pink jello. Ugh. I'm just so gross.

So what do you do at times like this? How do you cope with being a self professed worst parent of the day?


1. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. But just a minute. Seriously, not much longer than an hour, and then you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, and let it go. Stop being so neurotic. Chances are, your child doesn't really notice that you've had your mind on other things, have been aloof. They still think of you as a superhero. And superhero's don't pout. So acknowledge that you're upset, then move on, bitch.

2. TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF. Chances are, if you are zoning out, and you're starting to not feel good, it's because you need a short break from the wonderful wide world of parenting. Ask your spouse to take your little one for as little as 15 minutes, as long as a couple hours. You will be your best self if you are refreshed and have had time for you. To do nothing, and to not have to be on "go".

3. PAMPER YOURSELF. I'm not a big advocate of the "me, me, me, you deserve it" mentality of our generation. Rather, I'm all about what you can do for others, how you can help. But when you're starting to feel like a crappy parent, See Rule Three, and then make sure to use that time doing something for you. Paint your toes, see a movie, masturbate or have sex with your lovah. Watch a half an hour of Antiques Roadshow or Keeping up with the Kardashians. Whatever floats your boat. Just make sure it's for you, and you only.

4. REMEMBER YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. Every parent is going to fuck up once and a while. No one can be perfect all the time, except for apparently, Amanda.

And Lastly,

5. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.  The more you stress about it, the more you will stress about it. Just let it go and move on.

Oh yeah,

and get some sleep. Most of this whineyness could probably be prevented by getting enough sleep.
Then start again tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, where you'll probably be a better parent, and you'll probably feel better about yourself. Remember too, there will be a balance of things. Some days, you will go to sleep with a smile. Some days you will feel like you were a rockstar parent. Those days are just as important too. And they're the days you're little ones will remember best anyway.

The Second Baby

Ya know, now that the baby is finally starting to show signs of routine sleep, he ususally gets up at around 6:30. Long gone are the days he would sleep till noon. Or even nine. So during his first nap, I like to have my morning coffee with a dash or two of TLC's A Baby Story. It's what I watched every morning when I was pregnant. It went along perfectly with my peanut butter toast and cheese slices. I would cry into my breakfast, the baby kicking rhythmically for good measure. Now I cry while I watch A Baby Story, because I know how those women are feeling, and because I WANT ANOTHER BABY.
In true Western woman fashion, I can't only have one of something I love so much. And Jace is already doing things like eating bananas, and getting mad before nap time. So certainly, he's too old. I need another baby who will sleep all day in my arms, and will have cute little smeary poops.

I need to be pregnant again.



What's that you ask? Pregnant again? But you hated it, Kate. Why yes, yes I did. But I keep telling myself, it will be different this time. I will love the gradual expansion of my body. I will eat less. I will feel closer to this next baby during pregnancy because I will know the end result, and how much love I will feel for him or her.
But having a baby is very painful, you say. Yes, yes it is....isn't it? Harder is it getting to be, to remember the way the IVport felt. Harder is it getting to be to remember the way little grouchy nurses kneading my stomach felt. I can barely remember how horrible it was to pass out from exhaustion. Or the smell of the numbing spray I had to use from tearing.
What used to be super vivid memories of sheer hell followed by sheer delight, are now pretty foggy waifs of a memory. Something was uncomfortable, something bugged me I think.
What I really can remember is all of the love I felt, the first time Amanda and I heard Jace's heartbeat, and everytime there after. Or his little ultrasound pictures, when he stopped looking like a chicken nugget and started looking like a baby. Or his heartbeat, like a train in the night.
I can only really remember the best parts of the whole experience, because ultimately, that's what I was left with.
For example, right now, he's laying right next to me on the couch while I blog this, and smiling up at me, like there is nothing else in the world. Is there?

My body is telling me it's time, I seriously want a million children, because I don't remember all of the bad parts. And I love all of the good parts so much.
Isn't that how second babies are made?